Away

Being home is really strange for me. I love being here and seeing everyone I miss, the people I grew up with, the people I spent so much of my time with. I love them. But it almost seems unnatural for me to be here. I've only been gone for a semester, and it feels like I missed out on a lot, like because I wasn't here to be part of so much life, I don't belong. Being in Rolla became so natural, but in the back of my mind, I know that it must be inevitably temporal, like I'm just passing through.

And in spite of all this sense of lack of home, I feel that I need to go elsewhere, be detached from everything I'm used to. Don't get me wrong. I feel welcome wherever I'm living. I know that I'm loved and valued, and I do my best to love in return. But something is always missing. Something lies just beyond reach and demands to be chased after, exists to be pursued. I wonder if it's just me, or if this is what life is like to someone who knows there's something far better than what can be experienced now. I've always had a sense of restlessness, a need to explore what I don't know and discover.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this anymore, so I think that I'll stop here and see where that takes me.

Happy Christmas

I hope Everyone had a good Christmas.

One of the things I really try to do is not judge people. I find it really important not to make assumptions before I get to know someone. Today I failed miserably and it bothered me more than it normally does. This morning, I was getting some milk and yogurt from the grocery store. I approached the cashier (I chose a real person instead of the self-checkout to preserve some personability, so I was already feeling really good about myself). I felt sorry for the cashier because he was working on Christmas. I then proceeded to assume that the guy was a jack hole since only someone as depraved as that would even think about working on Christmas, of course. I gave him two gallons of milk and two containers of yogurt. He finished scanning and there were two containers of yogurt but only one gallon of milk on the screen. I pointed this out, and then seeing the 2 (from 2% milk) on the screen I quickly "caught" my mistake and we both shrugged. I looked that the receipt, and concluded that he actually only scanned one gallon of milk and offered to pay again for the unaccounted-for gallon of milk. He again shrugged and said, "Merry Christmas." I tried to thank him graciously, wished him a Merry Christmas, and walked out of the store. On my way home, I was struck by how kind that really was, especially since that's something he could get in trouble for, and especially since I'm the one who should be desperately searching for ways I could help people out. I was blessed enough to not have to work on Christmas.

I'm selfish. I'm the scrooge. I'm the jack hole. An entire overcommercialized, in-your-face Christmas season has passed, and I still managed to nearly ignore the needs of others in a terrible frenzy of self-preservation. I desperately need to learn how to love better.